remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
