She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
