She's JV to your varsity
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
