Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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