I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
