My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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