Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
