Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
