i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
