Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
