my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
