All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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