I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
