Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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