im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
