your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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