woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
