your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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