Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
