i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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