Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just fell off a train. Bad.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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