If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
