Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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