I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can text with my tongue
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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