There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
