If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
