And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
