I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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