Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
