there's paper in my vomit.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Boobs speak an international language.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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