This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
