I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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