ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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