What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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