I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
