There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize