I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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