It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
