I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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