WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
