So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
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