well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
