he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Randomize
