You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
