Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
