Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize