last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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