don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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