i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
