Can i not drive my cunt home
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
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