My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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