I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
