like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
