My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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