So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
