I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize
