yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
