this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
