She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
