Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
