I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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