And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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