This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
