I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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