my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
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