If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
