True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Your penis caused this!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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